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Cashew chicken is for eating.| | Last night was fun.
I was at work. The night went by somewhat slow. I was closing on register with Bethany (who is pregnant, congratulations!). I was getting somewhat annoyed because none of the register duties were getting done since Megan bit off more than she could chew with her own project and handed us part of her job (without asking, might I add). Anyway, we got done and everything was cool. Before we left, my friend and manager Greg ran up to me excited,
"Scott, let's go to a titty-bar!"
Two things: 1) I'm not really a "titty-bar" kind of guy and 2) Greg is gay.
"Uhhhhhhh, who's going?"
"Matlack", says Greg, "and maybe Tommy".
Matlack! Of course. Chris Matlack is a ridiculously kind person, a veritable walking heart... who happens to idolize porn stars. He knows all of their names, and talks about them as if they were celebrities, entertaining us with tales of gossip and scandal. Tommy Hawkins is an Earth-friendly, chill, fun guy who rides a bright green moped. Also, he has a poneytail. He, like me, isn't really the titty-bar type.
"I can't, I'm poor."
"I'll pay your cover!"
Well crap, there went that excuse.
"I dunno Greg..."
"There's going to be cashew chicken wrestling! With a real porn star!"
Huh. Now, the whole girls-wrestling-in-food thing has always kind of grossed me out. I want to eat food, not watch it go to waste. Jell-O, syrup, I don't really care, food on people is weird. Cashew chicken on people is VERY weird... weird enough that I wanted to see it. Not because it'd be hot, and not because cashew chicken rocks, but as a safety precaution. Someday when I die and have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life, I can at least say that once I saw a porn star wrestle in cashew chicken. So I went.
Me, Greg, and Greg's roommate T.J. went to The Pony Club and met Tommy (he DID come!), Matlack, and Matlack's long-haired best friend. Sitting at the table next to Matlack was the porn star. I forget her name. It was "Kitanala" or something made-up like that. Teej bought me a beer (nice guy, I didn't ask or anything!) and we sat around the table and listened to Matlack talk to this lady about random stuff. Apparently they had been talking for about half an hour. It dawned on me that to Matlack, this was Angelina Jolie. He had seen her movies and um... "idolized" her for years. I felt strangely happy for him.
I joined Greg and Teej at the bar while we were waiting for our drinks, turned around, and started with surprise. Here's something you may not have known: In Missouri, or maybe just Springfield, not sure, strippers have to at least wear pasties in bars or clubs that serve alcohol, or else the bar or club can face fines. These women were not wearing pasties. This fact took me by surprise. Naturally, I studied this concept for a few minutes.
When our drinks arrived, we peeled ourselves away from the bar and went back to our seats. I sat down and joined in the conversation, not really paying attention to much else. Sipping our beers, we were talking about random stuff, and I got so caught up in the conversation I didn't realize that the porn star sitting across from me at the table was absolutely topless. Now, I would've thought that this would be distracting, but it really wasn't, so I continued conversing.
At some point, some drunk guy walked up to Matlack's long-haired friend and told him he looked like Kurt Cobain, which isn't true at all.
A bunch of employees came up to an elevated platform just next to us and started pouring food products into a kiddy pool. Oh crap. They were going to wrestle right above us, and we were going to get very messy. We adjusted our chairs, but it didn't help much. I just sipped on and, as the girls began wrestling, made a game out of dodging slimy bits of chicken as they shot past my head. Before my eyes, Matlack transformed into a box of carry-out from the Great Wall Buffet. Indeed, he was the happiest box of carry-out I had ever seen.
The next batch of girls was getting ready, and since we were right there, they were talking to us. One turned and said, "I'll try not to get you boys too messy."
I decided to try something. I replied, "Hey, as long as it comes off of you, I don't mind one bit."
That got me a free beer, which is exactly what I was going for. Hah hah.
The wrestling was over. Turns out, the porn star wasn't wrestling, just dancing. Matlack seemed disappointed. Until she started dancing.
All the while, an old guy whose mustache was almost handlebarred sat next to us. He said a lot of things and laughed a creepy, three-toothed laugh. It was very uncomfortable. He told Matlack's long-haired friend that he looked like Charles Manson. He then started screaming "HELTER SKELTER!!! HELTER SKELTER!!!!" and laughed for minutes. It was weird.
When the porn star (Shakalitading?) started dancing, Matlack and his friend moved up to the front, and Tommy joined them there. I noticed it was just me and the creepy old guy. He was staring at me and smiling. I moved to join Greg and Teej over by the dance platformy thing. Now, Greg and T.J. are gay, so it was quite hilarious to see them lure the porn star stripper lady from the straight guys with larger bills that they stuffed in various places. I think she new they were gay. It was very funny.
The show was over and everyone had to leave, so we slowly filed out the doors. The toothless guy walked up to us and just kind of smiled when we said hi, so we walked away from him. On the way out, I went to the bar a bit tipsy, handed the bartender girl four bucks, and told her she was the prettiest one there. The other one said, "Hey, what about me?". I regret doing that now, I would like to have four more bucks. In the whole night, that's all the money I spent. Oh well. Greg and T.J. were still inside talking to some lesbians who worked there, so me, Matlack, Matlack's friend, and Tommy were just kind of hanging out outside for a minute. A guy walked up to Matlack's friend and said "Hey, you look like Jesus Christ!". We laughed, because in just one night this guy had been compared to several different celebrities, and now Christ himself. We laughed with the guy, but as he walked off, he said "It's not the fucking eighties!" Uhh, what?
Matlack and his friend shouted a slew of insults back at him and the dude he was with as they left. I'm kind of surprised they didn't turn around and beat them up. It was funny though, because Matlack is from New York, and when he gets angry, it REALLY shows. His accept doubles in thickness, and several times I heard "watchootalkin'bout!" It ended with an "ahh, fugettaboutit".
We parted ways, Greg drove my car back to his and T.J.'s place. We watched "Run, Fatboy, Run" which was pretty good. I was then ready to go home and go to sleep after a night full of chilling with good friends. I drove home, walked up to my back door, pulled out my key... my key? Weren't there once keys on this keychain? Oh yeah, this is a new key. I had forgotten to put my house keys onto my new keychain after having a duplicate made the day before after locking my keys in my car (which is a story unto itself, involving coat hangers, swords, and cat toys).
I went around to the front and tested those doors. Nope, locked. Good job to the roommates though, that house is secure! Jeff's bedroom window goes to the foyer, not outside, so I opened and closed the foyer door a few times to "accidentally" wake him up. Didn't work. I noisely got "angry",
"AWW YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? FUCK!!" ...... nothing.....
"FUCK!! SHIT!!! SONNUVUH CRAP!!! GAWWW!!" .....nothing..... he was still fast asleep.
I ran around back and started to go down the stairs to the basement. I don't think we've ever opened that door, so I'm not sure if it's locked or not. Before I got to the bottom, I decided it would be better to freeze all night than fall victim to the evil spiders of death. I went back to the slightly warmer foyer and read a chapter of a book I luckily had with me. I then tried to get through a window I realized was unlocked. However, it wouldn't budge. I suppose that's why it was unlocked. I gave up, and read several chapters of my book. About an hour and a half passed when I heard Ryan's alarm clock go off. I called him and explained my predicament to his voicemail. Several minutes later, Ryan lets me in. Hooray!
I am beginning to realize that my life is actually kind of fun, and is usually full of this kind of random, unpredictable evening. Sometimes it's like Seinfeld, except without all of the predictable jokes. More like Friends, I'd say.
I went to bed, and fell asleep feeling a bit like Jack Kerouac or any other era beatnik. It was a good night, not because of any "titty-bars" or toothless perverts, but because I had a good time with friends. And also because my jacket now smells like smoke and cashew chicken, a combination only available in Springfield.
Matlack, on the left, staring at a stripper. Tommy, on the right.
| | | Posted 2/20/2009 12:00 AM - 3 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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